A Fleeting Vision
As I sat there in the dark staring at what was the ending of Ichigo 100%, a sense of dread and disillusion came over me. So much that I started tearing up. As I looked at the last pic in the zip file, which is the one currently up, one word came to my mind. 無理. Thing is, this word isn't just any word. It's used to imply many things such as 'can't do it', 'impossible' and 'hopeless'.
I really feel like I'm at the end of my rope.
On the one side I got school. Of which I'm not sure for how long I'll have it reason being my financial aid will most likely be cut due to my poor performance. There's a good chance I didn't pass my Data Structures final and I wasn't doing too well in that class to begin with. Then there's the Calculus final to which I attended with a fever. Eventhough I studied and crammed I still didn't feel ready for that test. And I was right. I'm not sure if it was the fever to blame or my own stupidity but when I started to do the test I went blank.
Nothing came to me.
Even the problems I had done before and had gotten full credit for on past exams...
Nothing.
Then there's the fact that I'm still unemployed. It's like the more applications I turn in, the more worthless I feel. I really don't want to work in a fast-food resturant and not because I feel I'm better than that or anything but because of my own mental torture that would go through my mind. "Look at what you've become", "So much for that idea", "Oh? And who said they'd never work in a fast-food place?"
That kind of stuff keeps me from turning in an application. Not to mention what I'd feel like if they also wouldn't call back...
Then there's the matter of my car.
At the moment. My friend Emery has my car. This was due to me lending it to him while his gets repaired.
...
It was a good idea when I though of it but these days I'm not so sure it was one.
Every time his car is brought to my mind I replay this one scene over and over in my head.
"Cut your losses. Sell the MR2 and use what money you get out of it to buy a running car."
Which is then followed by many a thing that my mind believes that he'd say.
Some of them aren't pretty.
Then there's the part of me that wants to ask for my car back and the other part that tells it to refrain from doing so because, well, what kind of friend would I be then?
Do I really want to burn a bridge?
For a car?
.......
And the more I think about it, the more insecure I become. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I want. I don't know what direction in life I want to take.
The harshness of this reality hit me quite hard yesterday. Enough to leave me hyperventilating.
It seems the more I go through life the more the impossibility of me seeing a scene like the above increases.
Maybe I should take a year off from school. But, what then?
